Back to What He Said...

Last week, my co-blog author Tim posted on women and sexuality. I had a very visceral response to his post, but hesitated to respond.

I've spent the past few days asking myself why.I recently took a writing seminar about "Dangerous Writing" with the brilliant Tom Spanbauer and it touched on this sort of issue - there are things that are real and powerful that we yearn to say, but we don't for fear of what people will think, or perceived chinks in our sterling reputations. And so we write about safe things that might mildly amuse but don't move people in any discernible way.

So I asked myself, at 49 years old, exactly what reputation am I trying to protect? Obviously I've had sex, so why shouldn't I be able to talk about sexuality? My father the pastor is gone, so I can't embarrass him anymore, my darling 83 year old mother doesn't go online, and my husband is used to my shenanigans after being married to me for 21 years, so - caution to the wind.

I agree with what Tim said about what it takes for a woman to allow a man to penetrate her body. I think that's why sex is generally a different experience for a woman than for a man. Certainly there are women who have random sexual partners, but for most women I know, it's unheard of - we need a genuine connection with someone before we’re willing to open the treasure chest and give out the gold.

The pathway to our bodies leads through our hearts and minds. Capture our imagination. Ignite our soul with the flame of something real. The vulnerability most women need to open our bodies up to a man comes with trust and a passion that builds over time.

In 1978, I attended a Jesus festival and signed a purity pledge promising to remain a virgin until I got married. I kept it for awhile, but after my aforementioned accident, I was angry with God and went into a season of wild rebellion which entailed me drinking too many .25 beers at the Akron U Chuckery and...breaking my purity pledge.I thought I was teaching God a lesson for letting something bad happen to me. (Yeah, I know how lame that sounds now, but at the time it made sense.) Boy did I show Him! (And boy will I pay on judgment day if my Baptist Sunday School teacher was right.)

Back to sex. I never picked up random men and had sex with them; I'm just not built that way. My 1980's Girl's Gone Wild Meltdown aside, I've had fewer lovers in my life than you can count on one hand because I had to be in love to make love.

I've read that men are visually aroused, which explains the glut of porn in the world. But for me, looking at a photo of a naked man does nothing for me at all. I can admire his form, but it doesn't turn me on sexually.

What has always attracted me to a man is intellectual stimulation, or emotional connection. I need something that stirs my soul, ignites my imagination and penetrates my heart before a guy could ever hope to penetrate my body.

In those days of my youth, I sought a soul mate, a kindred spirit, a fellow sojourner with whom to walk through the world; not a random night of orgasms with a guy in tight jeans.I've been in love a few times in my life and though most of those relationships ended badly, (I was engaged 5 times before Jeff and I got married. Swear.) I still value those encounters, as ill advised as they might have been.

Why? Because at a certain moment in time, I loved those guys and they loved me. I look at myself in the mirror and still see the reflection of the way their love changed me. Their lasting impact in my life was in the way they shaped my soul, not in their sexual acrobatics or chiseled bodies. (We all had chiseled bodies in our 20's we just didn't know it.)

I hasten to generalize, but with some men, I fear that's not always the case. Some of my guy friends look at some woman walking by and say "I'd do her!" and I say "How do you know? She might be a total moron, or hateful and bitter, or not even speak English to talk to you." They say "So?"

Hm, curious. Perhaps being the penetrator instead of the penetrated makes you a little less concerned with substance and long lasting impact? Help me out here guys. Enquiring minds want to know.

Switching gears, I’d like to add a disclaimer of sorts. I posted this last week, and then thought better of it and took it down. Why? Because being a sinner and writing about your sins when you’re at the forefront of a ministry is a tricky business. Will it shock the church to know I’ve sinned? I hope not.

Our journey of faith is characterized by both triumphs and failures. My testimony of faith contains things I am proud of, and things I am ashamed of. It contains a few things that will haunt me until Jesus comes to take me home.

But as I contemplated how honest I wanted to be in my writing, I decided to err on the side of transparency. We all pretend we’re alright when we’re not. This s my personal campaign to stop that!

I look at actions I took in the past which were far from God’s perfect plan for me, but he turned those missteps into treasures. In Romans 8:28 it says “All things work together for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” You know what ALL things means? It means ALL things.

The moments I sinned as well as the moments I behave like a saint are moments God uses to mold me into the version of me He imagined when He made me.

What treasure did I gain from all the times I’ve fallen? Compassion. Before I had any major falls, I had no compassion. I was harsh and judgmental. I have deep regrets still about a friend from high school that I terrorized when she came to confide to me she had gotten pregnant at 16. I had no mercy. I hate that old Tammy.

But after I messed up a few times? That inclination to judge vanished. My Dad used to say “We judge others by their actions, but we judge ourselves by our intentions.” He was right of course.
So calling all sinners – if you need someone to confess your greatest struggles with, I’m your girl. I will not judge you. I come with references. Some of you sinners in this reading audience have confessed some pretty messed up stuff to me and knew I'd still love you! In fact, I loved you even more so because I didn’t have to pretend to be perfect with you anymore!

Like Jesus, I’m more comfortable hanging out with the riff raff than the Pharisees.
-Tamilu

P.S. I know this is too many "She Said's" between "He Said's" but Tim did mention in our first post that women talk more, so you were warned.