Thursday, April 14, 2011
Car Smart, Man Dumb
Just after the first of the year, we found out that my wife has cancer. This was quite a blow to us as she's already been dealing with MS the last twenty or so years. I had just been through three months of worsening depression that culminated in her diagnosis. For the first time in my life, I seriously contemplated suicide. After a couple weeks of only going to work and caring for her with very little sleep, I was able to meet a good friend of mine for coffee. I told him I had thought about ending it all, but that my Smart Car probably couldn't create enough emissions to fill my garage. He said, "Yeah, the headline would read 'Car Smart, Man Dumb'". I laughed harder than I had in several months. That was the beginning of the healing process. Thanks, Jeff!!
Monday, March 21, 2011
50 Random Musings from a 50 Year Old Woman
I wanted to come up with some wise advice after 50 years of life, but - hey, it's me, so you got this instead.
1) If you have a chance to travel, or have an adventure – Go. Even if they repo your car while you’re away because you took a trip instead of paying the bill.
2) Mom was right, 70’s fashions DID come back in style.
3) All kinds of love matter in a life, not just the romantic kind. Treasure your friends.
4) Don’t drink .25 cent beers and play cards in the student center all instead of going to your college classes even though it’s REALLY fun.
5) Never look at someone and think “They have potential.” – They are who they are and they may never grow into your idealized version of them. Ask yourself if you can live with the “as is” version.
6) If you’re dating a guy who likes the theatre and never hits on you, he’s not a gentleman, he’s gay. Even if he makes out with you sometimes when he’s drunk.
7) If you meet someone who says they don’t care for Leonard Cohen or Bob Dylan, they’re probably illiterate. Even if you hate their voices, they are POETS.
8) Find your Betsy. (i.e. Best friend, partner in crime, person who is always on your side even when you’re clearly in the wrong.)
9) Keep people’s secrets, even when they’re very juicy. Loyalty matters.
10) Heed the advice my late great friend Father Jim gave me “Jesus died to take away your sins, not your mind.” Read. Research. Ask questions. Do not believe anything blindly.
11) And to that end, God is not affiliated with any political party.
12) Enjoy your guilty pleasure and be unashamed for reveling in it –because someday someone might pay you to watch soaps and write about them!
13) Pay attention in high school or you might get so caught up in your teen angst that you miss the person who could have been your best friend your whole life. No really, I mean it.
14) If you really like something, chances are someday they will determine it cause heart disease or cancer. So eat or drink a lot of it before science catches up and warns you.
15) My friend Andie Casey told me when I was 19 that “Life is about having good stories to tell when you’re old.” She was right.
16) So, this one time, Andie and I were doing a play in a barn and a cow walked onto our stage…
17) And one night in Vegas, Betsy and I had a cocktail with Captain Jack Sparrow and met Elvis on the same day.
18) And back in 1980 I had pizza and beer with President Carter the night before I was interviewed on 60 Minutes about being college student’s political impact on the upcoming election.
19) And that was after Ted Kennedy kissed my hand at the Farmer’s Market in Cleveland, Ohio. I have a witness, Mark Eckenrode was with me.
20) Oh, and did I forget to mention I once had breakfast with George “Goober” Lindsey and he drove me home in his limo?
21) I once drove my car into a brick wall to avoid hitting a cat. Not the best idea I ever had.
22) I moved to San Diego basically on a whim after hearing Counting Crows “Long December” on the radio and realizing it really HAD been a long time since I’d seen the ocean.
23) So, Yes, I have made life choices based on pop song lyrics.
24) One summer in the Theatre group I toured with, (yay CP) we were so broke we ate solely things we won from the McDonald’s peel off game cards except when my mom sent a care package with instant oatmeal and we made it with hot tap water in coffee mugs and ate it with our toothbrush handles. (Right Michael, Peta and Diane???)
25) Nothing and no one can ever convince me God doesn’t exist because I have a relationship with Him. I have not imagined all the times He has clearly intervened in my life. I’m a little kooky, but not full on insane.
26) I know there are people who hate their exes after they break up, but I still love everyone I’ve ever loved. My heart doesn’t come with an “Off” switch. In fact, many of my old flames are my FB pals and we still get on quite well, right guys? (Say no and I release your old love letters to TMZ.)
27) Read lots of books. Take notes in them and highlight things. Let them soak into your soul. And if you don’t know where to start, a little Walt Whitman “Leaves of Grass” should handily blow your mind.
28) Last year I dressed up like an old hippie for Halloween because I am an old hippie.
29) The reason I love OB so much is because it’s clearly still 1972 on Newport Avenue.
30) Betsy will go along with any cockamamie idea I come up with – and I love her for that. Like that time we flew to Chicago and crashed a random office Christmas party at our hotel.
31) Some people have heroes that are sports or movie stars – my heroes are my Mama, my late Daddy, my Grandpa and Grandma Wallace, my cousins Mary Alice and Jon, my aunts and uncles, my in-laws and… well – you get the idea. I come from good people. I don’t suppose I knew how rare my family was until I met people who hated their families.
32) I never gave birth, but I have 2 lovely daughters, 2 son-in-laws and 9 adorable grandkids. So, if you’re afraid of being a step-mom, it’s better than you think. If of course, you end up with step daughters as wonderful as Katrina and Sarah.
33) If you’re really hot and you want to swim but there are dead fish floating in the water, you CAN get in and swim while batting the dead fish away with a stick but it’s probably not a good idea.
34) At the time, having your mug in the top ten on the Beer Wall of Fame at college may seem like quite an accomplishment, but turns out it doesn’t really add much to a resume in the future.
35) “Great is Thy faithfulness, Great is Thy faithfulness, morning by morning, new mercies I see. All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided – great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.”
36) Yes, I still dig the old hymns.
37) If you meet someone who doesn’t like dogs, you should be instantly suspicious of their character.
38) If the chance arises, go to Paris.
39) If you go to the Bahamas, buy rum.
40) If you go to Canada when you’re 16 and spend all your babysitting money on a pair of giant deerskin fleece lined mittens, they will last you your entire life. But if you move to San Diego, they are mostly rendered useless.
41) Do a lot of kissing when you’re young.
42) Moisturize your neck. It doesn’t seem like it should need moisturized, but trust me, it does. Have you seen Steven Tyler’s neck? Just sayin.
43) Sing songs until you know them.. After you forget everything you learned in school, you will still know all the words to Billy Don’t Be A Hero, and other embarrassing songs. This will come in handy at parties. Or when you Karaoke with Fig.
44) Embrace your inner nerd.
45) When you’re doing embarrassing and reckless things in your youth, you will have one friend like Calvin who will remember them and take great joy in posting them on your Facebook wall later in life to shatter anyone’s illusion that you might be a saint. (Thanks for keeping me grounded dude.)
46) When you’re bored in a small town, get a can of paint and drive around with a funnel painting lines on the middle of dirt roads. (This one’s for you Dave Mateau.)
47) Have one friend who can read your mind from across the room. (Cheeky-Nay-Nay)
48) I loved Elton John when I was 12. I love Elton John now.
49) I passed notes and mocked the teacher when I was in 7th grade. I passed notes and mocked the teacher in a class I took this week.
50) Which brings me back to #5 – I am who I’ve always been, even 50 years in. Sorry to anyone who once thought I “had potential.”
- Tamilu © March 22, 2011
1) If you have a chance to travel, or have an adventure – Go. Even if they repo your car while you’re away because you took a trip instead of paying the bill.
2) Mom was right, 70’s fashions DID come back in style.
3) All kinds of love matter in a life, not just the romantic kind. Treasure your friends.
4) Don’t drink .25 cent beers and play cards in the student center all instead of going to your college classes even though it’s REALLY fun.
5) Never look at someone and think “They have potential.” – They are who they are and they may never grow into your idealized version of them. Ask yourself if you can live with the “as is” version.
6) If you’re dating a guy who likes the theatre and never hits on you, he’s not a gentleman, he’s gay. Even if he makes out with you sometimes when he’s drunk.
7) If you meet someone who says they don’t care for Leonard Cohen or Bob Dylan, they’re probably illiterate. Even if you hate their voices, they are POETS.
8) Find your Betsy. (i.e. Best friend, partner in crime, person who is always on your side even when you’re clearly in the wrong.)
9) Keep people’s secrets, even when they’re very juicy. Loyalty matters.
10) Heed the advice my late great friend Father Jim gave me “Jesus died to take away your sins, not your mind.” Read. Research. Ask questions. Do not believe anything blindly.
11) And to that end, God is not affiliated with any political party.
12) Enjoy your guilty pleasure and be unashamed for reveling in it –because someday someone might pay you to watch soaps and write about them!
13) Pay attention in high school or you might get so caught up in your teen angst that you miss the person who could have been your best friend your whole life. No really, I mean it.
14) If you really like something, chances are someday they will determine it cause heart disease or cancer. So eat or drink a lot of it before science catches up and warns you.
15) My friend Andie Casey told me when I was 19 that “Life is about having good stories to tell when you’re old.” She was right.
16) So, this one time, Andie and I were doing a play in a barn and a cow walked onto our stage…
17) And one night in Vegas, Betsy and I had a cocktail with Captain Jack Sparrow and met Elvis on the same day.
18) And back in 1980 I had pizza and beer with President Carter the night before I was interviewed on 60 Minutes about being college student’s political impact on the upcoming election.
19) And that was after Ted Kennedy kissed my hand at the Farmer’s Market in Cleveland, Ohio. I have a witness, Mark Eckenrode was with me.
20) Oh, and did I forget to mention I once had breakfast with George “Goober” Lindsey and he drove me home in his limo?
21) I once drove my car into a brick wall to avoid hitting a cat. Not the best idea I ever had.
22) I moved to San Diego basically on a whim after hearing Counting Crows “Long December” on the radio and realizing it really HAD been a long time since I’d seen the ocean.
23) So, Yes, I have made life choices based on pop song lyrics.
24) One summer in the Theatre group I toured with, (yay CP) we were so broke we ate solely things we won from the McDonald’s peel off game cards except when my mom sent a care package with instant oatmeal and we made it with hot tap water in coffee mugs and ate it with our toothbrush handles. (Right Michael, Peta and Diane???)
25) Nothing and no one can ever convince me God doesn’t exist because I have a relationship with Him. I have not imagined all the times He has clearly intervened in my life. I’m a little kooky, but not full on insane.
26) I know there are people who hate their exes after they break up, but I still love everyone I’ve ever loved. My heart doesn’t come with an “Off” switch. In fact, many of my old flames are my FB pals and we still get on quite well, right guys? (Say no and I release your old love letters to TMZ.)
27) Read lots of books. Take notes in them and highlight things. Let them soak into your soul. And if you don’t know where to start, a little Walt Whitman “Leaves of Grass” should handily blow your mind.
28) Last year I dressed up like an old hippie for Halloween because I am an old hippie.
29) The reason I love OB so much is because it’s clearly still 1972 on Newport Avenue.
30) Betsy will go along with any cockamamie idea I come up with – and I love her for that. Like that time we flew to Chicago and crashed a random office Christmas party at our hotel.
31) Some people have heroes that are sports or movie stars – my heroes are my Mama, my late Daddy, my Grandpa and Grandma Wallace, my cousins Mary Alice and Jon, my aunts and uncles, my in-laws and… well – you get the idea. I come from good people. I don’t suppose I knew how rare my family was until I met people who hated their families.
32) I never gave birth, but I have 2 lovely daughters, 2 son-in-laws and 9 adorable grandkids. So, if you’re afraid of being a step-mom, it’s better than you think. If of course, you end up with step daughters as wonderful as Katrina and Sarah.
33) If you’re really hot and you want to swim but there are dead fish floating in the water, you CAN get in and swim while batting the dead fish away with a stick but it’s probably not a good idea.
34) At the time, having your mug in the top ten on the Beer Wall of Fame at college may seem like quite an accomplishment, but turns out it doesn’t really add much to a resume in the future.
35) “Great is Thy faithfulness, Great is Thy faithfulness, morning by morning, new mercies I see. All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided – great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.”
36) Yes, I still dig the old hymns.
37) If you meet someone who doesn’t like dogs, you should be instantly suspicious of their character.
38) If the chance arises, go to Paris.
39) If you go to the Bahamas, buy rum.
40) If you go to Canada when you’re 16 and spend all your babysitting money on a pair of giant deerskin fleece lined mittens, they will last you your entire life. But if you move to San Diego, they are mostly rendered useless.
41) Do a lot of kissing when you’re young.
42) Moisturize your neck. It doesn’t seem like it should need moisturized, but trust me, it does. Have you seen Steven Tyler’s neck? Just sayin.
43) Sing songs until you know them.. After you forget everything you learned in school, you will still know all the words to Billy Don’t Be A Hero, and other embarrassing songs. This will come in handy at parties. Or when you Karaoke with Fig.
44) Embrace your inner nerd.
45) When you’re doing embarrassing and reckless things in your youth, you will have one friend like Calvin who will remember them and take great joy in posting them on your Facebook wall later in life to shatter anyone’s illusion that you might be a saint. (Thanks for keeping me grounded dude.)
46) When you’re bored in a small town, get a can of paint and drive around with a funnel painting lines on the middle of dirt roads. (This one’s for you Dave Mateau.)
47) Have one friend who can read your mind from across the room. (Cheeky-Nay-Nay)
48) I loved Elton John when I was 12. I love Elton John now.
49) I passed notes and mocked the teacher when I was in 7th grade. I passed notes and mocked the teacher in a class I took this week.
50) Which brings me back to #5 – I am who I’ve always been, even 50 years in. Sorry to anyone who once thought I “had potential.”
- Tamilu © March 22, 2011
Follow me on Twitter @tamilu40
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
3 reasons I believe in God- Tamilu
Yesterday I posted a statement on my FB page “A man with an argument can never trump a man with an experience.” and I posted that because I was reminded about the intricacies of faith. Faith sometimes means believing in something that does not make logical sense according to the scholars of the day.
I have a meager education. I went to college, but spent more time in the student center playing euchre and drinking .25 cent beers than attending class. A lot of people could out maneuver me in an argument. A lot of people could come at me with intellectual debates about God and ask me questions I couldn’t answer. But nothing can sway my belief in God because of I’ve had experiences that prove otherwise.
- I grew up with a Dad who was an alcoholic. My entire life until I was 15, my Dad drank. He went to work every day, and then stopped at the bar on the way home and drank until he either passed out, or had to be escorted home by his friend the chief of police. My mom was a devout Christian. We prayed for my Dad on my knees by my bedside nightly. He got angry about our prayers and told my Mom to “keep her prayers off of him.” he was distant and crabby and kids in my neighborhood weren’t allowed to play at my house because a mean drunk lived there. One Easter, Mom and I got up to go to church and my dad was sitting in the living room in his suit. My mom said her initial thought was “Where is Jack going to go drinking on Easter Sunday morning?” She assumed he was dressed to go to the bar. She asked where he was going and he said “To church with you.” I can’t say why. I don’t know why after us praying for a decade he randomly decided to go to church. But, he did. And when they asked who wanted to give their life to Jesus, my Dad leapt out of his seat and wept his way down the aisle. He became a new man that day. He never took another drink. He never went to AA or rehab, he said God delivered him from the desire to drink. He stopped smoking and swearing, too. He started...talking to me. He never graduated from high school and didn’t read well. He took night classes, learned to read and went to Bible college. He became a pastor and worked as a chaplain in a Children’s psychiatric hospital ministering to kids that had substance abuse issues. The list of charities he worked with and for are countless. When he died 6 years ago, people I never knew wrote Mom and I letters “Your Dad saved my life.” - the same dad I grew up with that was a scary drunk that the neighbors feared. The people who knew my Dad before he got saved could not believe he had become a pastor. The people that knew my dad after he got saved saw him as a hero and a saint and could not believe he used to be a drunk. He didn’t even look the same. If I showed you a pre-God photo and a post-God photo of my Dad, you would think it was two different men. This was not an act of willpower on my Dad’s part. It was divine intervention.
There is a story in the Bible in John chapter 9. A man who was blind from birth was healed by Jesus. People challenged him and argued with him about laws Jesus broke, etc – the guy said (paraphrased)
“I don’t know if Jesus is a sinner, all I know is I was blind and now I can see.”
- When people try to convince me there is no God, I say:
"My dad was a drunk and then he wasn’t."
2. There is a guy I work with named Richard. Richard has a beautiful singing voice and sings at weddings and at various events. But we’ve been sad, because Richard has a brain tumor and has been suffering seizures and was in very bad shape. Last month, Richard sang at an event I was at – one of the pastors at the event said “As some of you know, Richard is battling cancer and he has a brain tumor and he was up all night puking but he still came and sang for us today.” Everyone clapped. Someone yelled “Can we pray for him?” Sure – the guy said. So, the 100+ people in the room walked up and laid their hands on him and prayed. We got the word last week that when he went to his medical check up – the doctors were shocked to discover his golf ball size tumor is gone. Vanished.
Richard had a tumor and now he doesn’t.
3. My friend Ken was a drummer in a local band. My friends and I were little teenaged groupies and went to see them play everyplace they went. He was totally healthy and strong, but one day – he starting getting weird tingling in his limbs. He was diagnosed with MS (or some other muscle disease I can’t recall for sure). I watched him go from whole healthy hot young drummer to crippled. He was in a wheelchair and was expected to be completely immobile within the year. He still had use of his arms at that point and was playing at our church one night. He had gotten so bad the other band members had to pick him up and set him behind his drums. We had a guest speaker that night who saw this and he said “Can I pray for this young man?” and he did – he put his hands on Ken and asked God for a miracle. I felt the power of God move through the room and through my body. My hands are shaking and my eyes are tearing up while I write this. 10 seconds later, Ken got up and walked away from the drums, completely healed in an instant. I saw him deteriorate over two years time and I saw him completely healed in 10 seconds.
I told this story to someone recently and they said “Yeah, well how is he NOW? For all you know, he relapsed a year later.” I didn’t know the answer to that because I lost touch with him. SO, I recently tracked him down on Facebook and said “You probably don’t remember me but...” - but he did remember me, and that night. He said God totally healed him that night and he never had another problem in his life. That was 35 years ago.
Ken was crippled and then he wasn’t.
I have lots of stories like this, I’ve had years of witnessing the miracle of changed lives like my Dad and people who were given death sentences but didn’t die. I don’t know why bad things happen and I can’t answer every argument anyone throws at me, but I know Jack, Richard and Ken’s lives were changed. That’s all the proof I need. - Tammy Lou Waite
2. There is a guy I work with named Richard. Richard has a beautiful singing voice and sings at weddings and at various events. But we’ve been sad, because Richard has a brain tumor and has been suffering seizures and was in very bad shape. Last month, Richard sang at an event I was at – one of the pastors at the event said “As some of you know, Richard is battling cancer and he has a brain tumor and he was up all night puking but he still came and sang for us today.” Everyone clapped. Someone yelled “Can we pray for him?” Sure – the guy said. So, the 100+ people in the room walked up and laid their hands on him and prayed. We got the word last week that when he went to his medical check up – the doctors were shocked to discover his golf ball size tumor is gone. Vanished.
Richard had a tumor and now he doesn’t.
3. My friend Ken was a drummer in a local band. My friends and I were little teenaged groupies and went to see them play everyplace they went. He was totally healthy and strong, but one day – he starting getting weird tingling in his limbs. He was diagnosed with MS (or some other muscle disease I can’t recall for sure). I watched him go from whole healthy hot young drummer to crippled. He was in a wheelchair and was expected to be completely immobile within the year. He still had use of his arms at that point and was playing at our church one night. He had gotten so bad the other band members had to pick him up and set him behind his drums. We had a guest speaker that night who saw this and he said “Can I pray for this young man?” and he did – he put his hands on Ken and asked God for a miracle. I felt the power of God move through the room and through my body. My hands are shaking and my eyes are tearing up while I write this. 10 seconds later, Ken got up and walked away from the drums, completely healed in an instant. I saw him deteriorate over two years time and I saw him completely healed in 10 seconds.
I told this story to someone recently and they said “Yeah, well how is he NOW? For all you know, he relapsed a year later.” I didn’t know the answer to that because I lost touch with him. SO, I recently tracked him down on Facebook and said “You probably don’t remember me but...” - but he did remember me, and that night. He said God totally healed him that night and he never had another problem in his life. That was 35 years ago.
Ken was crippled and then he wasn’t.
I have lots of stories like this, I’ve had years of witnessing the miracle of changed lives like my Dad and people who were given death sentences but didn’t die. I don’t know why bad things happen and I can’t answer every argument anyone throws at me, but I know Jack, Richard and Ken’s lives were changed. That’s all the proof I need. - Tammy Lou Waite
- Tamilu © October, 2010
Follow me on Twitter @tamilu40
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The Porn Star, the Pastor (And What America Can Learn From Them)
You may have heard the name Ron Jeremy.I certainly won't judge you if you have; I've been aware of his career since college. Ron was an answer to a trivia video game at the bar my friends and I frequented in college. The guys in our circle thought my BFF and I must be really wild because we knew the answer to that question - but in fact we were merely Christian virgins who just spent too much time at the bar playing video games and had memorized all the answers.
On the off chance you didn't hang out in bars in the 80's playing video trivia, Ron Jeremy is a porn star.
I wanted to link Ron's Wikipedia page to this blog, but even the first paragraph of his bio would put my blog into R-rated territory, so if you opt to Google him on your own, it won't be my fault. Ron has made around 2000 adult films, and has had a career that spans 30 years. He likes porn and is proud of his body of work.
Craig Gross on the other hand, is the pastor of the XXX church and works tirelessly to help people break free of sex and porn addictions, as well as reaching out to people people in the adult entertainment industry.
They make an unlikely duo, and yet they have staged 60+ debates on Pornography asking the question "Is Porn just a harmless hobby, or is it destructive to our society?"
This forum is normally held on college campuses, but last night was held for the first time in a church at the Rock Church in San Diego.
This was not a "church" event. It was raw and
uncensored. People discussed topics that aren't normally discussed in church. Pastor Miles playfully mimicked splashing Ron with Holy Water a few times when the topics got especially graphic.People from the adult entertainment industry sat beside avid churchgoers and had an open discussion about Sex (even the word Sex was displayed on the stage glimmering in neon for emphasis.) People laughed, and gasped and applauded and reacted. It was a passionate event with strong feelings on both sides.
Each man got a set time to make his point and the debate ensued.
Craig Gross told tales of women desperate to leave the industry, the shame and embarrassment they felt after leaving and never being able to shake the reputation, and the destruction of families and marriages due to unrealistic expectations of sex and the rejection and betrayal one spouse felt when another viewed porn.
Ron Jeremy countered with a list of women who have become millionaires making porn and used the money to invest and start their own businesses, and consenting adults and married couples who use porn to enrich their sex lives.
It's clear that these two men agree on very little. (The only topic on which they did agree was their mutual and passionate objection to the sexual explotation of children.)
They are at totally opposite ends of the spectrum and disagreed on 99% of the topics brought before them.
But the thing that struck me and wormed its way into my soul is this: These two men clearly respect one another. They're friends. They travel together on a bus. They told humorous stories about one another. They know each other's families. There was disagreement, but no animosity. There were two opposing lifestyles without any judgment or hatred. They love each other.
In a country with a deep partisan divide and people calling those with opposing beliefs Hitler and accusing opposing viewpoints as unpatriotic and dangerous, Ron Jeremy and Craig Gross are shining examples of what America is all about. Ron is free to his beliefs, Craig is free to his, and they can peacefully co-exist. While I'm sure Craig prays for Ron's salvation, he doesn't condemn him. While Ron doesn't share Craig's beliefs, he respects Craig for standing up for his beliefs and for helping people who do want to get out of the industry.
I walked away from that even with a headful of alarming stats about Pornography and a genuine respect for the two men who disagreed so graciously.
Pay attention America. Play nice. - Tammy Lou Waite © 10.10.10
Follow me on Twitter @tamilu40
Saturday, June 12, 2010
You Bleed Me Out
You are my spouse
For better or worse, we promised each other
But sometimes it seems you'd rather be my mother
I'd give my life to relieve your pain
But somehow you don't see what you have to gain
You take the best I've got
You treat me like I've been caught
You bleed me out
You are my child
With a parent's heart, I love you like no other
But sometimes it seems you'd rather I be your brother
I'd give my life for you to avoid pain
But somehow you don't see what you have to gain
You take the best I've got
You act as if it's all been for naught
You bleed me out
You are my work
I try my best to show you what's in store
But sometimes it seems you'd rather show me the door
I'd give my life for all of our gain
But you'd much rather cause me pain
You take the best I've got
You don't seem to want to improve our lot
You bleed me out
You are my Lord
I try my best to live by Your word
But sometimes I seem to fall on the sword
You gave Your life for my gain
I'm sorry for when I've caused You pain
I give You the best I've got
For with Your blood my soul's been bought
I bleed You out
For better or worse, we promised each other
But sometimes it seems you'd rather be my mother
I'd give my life to relieve your pain
But somehow you don't see what you have to gain
You take the best I've got
You treat me like I've been caught
You bleed me out
You are my child
With a parent's heart, I love you like no other
But sometimes it seems you'd rather I be your brother
I'd give my life for you to avoid pain
But somehow you don't see what you have to gain
You take the best I've got
You act as if it's all been for naught
You bleed me out
You are my work
I try my best to show you what's in store
But sometimes it seems you'd rather show me the door
I'd give my life for all of our gain
But you'd much rather cause me pain
You take the best I've got
You don't seem to want to improve our lot
You bleed me out
You are my Lord
I try my best to live by Your word
But sometimes I seem to fall on the sword
You gave Your life for my gain
I'm sorry for when I've caused You pain
I give You the best I've got
For with Your blood my soul's been bought
I bleed You out
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Just Enough
I'd like to have a little house,
with an empty room
so I could say
to a dear friend passing along the way
"Come- stay with me as long as you like"
I’ll keep a good lamp beside your bed
where you can read before
you rest your head
And fill it with flowers
jasmine scent fills the air
and plump pillows to sink into
make you forget all your cares
A cozy place, a friendly home
Safety from the storm
A haven of peace where Jesus lives
To keep them safe and warm
But never a mansion with Persian rugs
golden doorknobs, stained glass windows
fine china on display
just enough, Oh just enough
give the rest away.
I'd like to write a book someday
and pass a table at some café,
and see someone reading the things
I have said,
and laugh by tossing back their head
Or crying a tear if I moved their soul
knowing God used me to help
them come Home
But never awards or trophies
or contracts and agents for me
just a glimmer of light
in the eye of one soul
that’s just enough
it’s all I need
give the rest away.
I'd like to have a pile of dollars,
a jar of coins in every size,
to pass among each soul that asks
any hand stretched out towards mine
to any eye who seeks my gaze
not caring if it's spent
on food or clothes
or whiskey or rent
but that someone said "HELP"
and I said
YES
over and over again
but never a pair of designer shoes
or a Gucci bag, a silk dress in blue
a department store lipstick
no diamond or pearl
when any mouth goes hungry
I’ll give them my world
just enough
just my needs
give my wants away
I'd like to be so full of God
that people see me shine as I pass on the sidewalk
and say
"who is she, and why is she light
and why is it warm when I'm near her?"
I'd like to have them look at me
and see His face
listen to my voice sing or talk and
hear His words
reach for me, and feel His touch
in my embrace
none of me
all of Him
give it all away
all away
He is enough.
-tamilu
with an empty room
so I could say
to a dear friend passing along the way
"Come- stay with me as long as you like"
I’ll keep a good lamp beside your bed
where you can read before
you rest your head
And fill it with flowers
jasmine scent fills the air
and plump pillows to sink into
make you forget all your cares
A cozy place, a friendly home
Safety from the storm
A haven of peace where Jesus lives
To keep them safe and warm
But never a mansion with Persian rugs
golden doorknobs, stained glass windows
fine china on display
just enough, Oh just enough
give the rest away.
I'd like to write a book someday
and pass a table at some café,
and see someone reading the things
I have said,
and laugh by tossing back their head
Or crying a tear if I moved their soul
knowing God used me to help
them come Home
But never awards or trophies
or contracts and agents for me
just a glimmer of light
in the eye of one soul
that’s just enough
it’s all I need
give the rest away.
I'd like to have a pile of dollars,
a jar of coins in every size,
to pass among each soul that asks
any hand stretched out towards mine
to any eye who seeks my gaze
not caring if it's spent
on food or clothes
or whiskey or rent
but that someone said "HELP"
and I said
YES
over and over again
but never a pair of designer shoes
or a Gucci bag, a silk dress in blue
a department store lipstick
no diamond or pearl
when any mouth goes hungry
I’ll give them my world
just enough
just my needs
give my wants away
I'd like to be so full of God
that people see me shine as I pass on the sidewalk
and say
"who is she, and why is she light
and why is it warm when I'm near her?"
I'd like to have them look at me
and see His face
listen to my voice sing or talk and
hear His words
reach for me, and feel His touch
in my embrace
none of me
all of Him
give it all away
all away
He is enough.
-tamilu
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Back to What He Said...
Last week, my co-blog author Tim posted on women and sexuality. I had a very visceral response to his post, but hesitated to respond.
I've spent the past few days asking myself why.I recently took a writing seminar about "Dangerous Writing" with the brilliant Tom Spanbauer and it touched on this sort of issue - there are things that are real and powerful that we yearn to say, but we don't for fear of what people will think, or perceived chinks in our sterling reputations. And so we write about safe things that might mildly amuse but don't move people in any discernible way.
So I asked myself, at 49 years old, exactly what reputation am I trying to protect? Obviously I've had sex, so why shouldn't I be able to talk about sexuality? My father the pastor is gone, so I can't embarrass him anymore, my darling 83 year old mother doesn't go online, and my husband is used to my shenanigans after being married to me for 21 years, so - caution to the wind.
I agree with what Tim said about what it takes for a woman to allow a man to penetrate her body. I think that's why sex is generally a different experience for a woman than for a man. Certainly there are women who have random sexual partners, but for most women I know, it's unheard of - we need a genuine connection with someone before we’re willing to open the treasure chest and give out the gold.
The pathway to our bodies leads through our hearts and minds. Capture our imagination. Ignite our soul with the flame of something real. The vulnerability most women need to open our bodies up to a man comes with trust and a passion that builds over time.
In 1978, I attended a Jesus festival and signed a purity pledge promising to remain a virgin until I got married. I kept it for awhile, but after my aforementioned accident, I was angry with God and went into a season of wild rebellion which entailed me drinking too many .25 beers at the Akron U Chuckery and...breaking my purity pledge.I thought I was teaching God a lesson for letting something bad happen to me. (Yeah, I know how lame that sounds now, but at the time it made sense.) Boy did I show Him! (And boy will I pay on judgment day if my Baptist Sunday School teacher was right.)
Back to sex. I never picked up random men and had sex with them; I'm just not built that way. My 1980's Girl's Gone Wild Meltdown aside, I've had fewer lovers in my life than you can count on one hand because I had to be in love to make love.
I've read that men are visually aroused, which explains the glut of porn in the world. But for me, looking at a photo of a naked man does nothing for me at all. I can admire his form, but it doesn't turn me on sexually.
What has always attracted me to a man is intellectual stimulation, or emotional connection. I need something that stirs my soul, ignites my imagination and penetrates my heart before a guy could ever hope to penetrate my body.
In those days of my youth, I sought a soul mate, a kindred spirit, a fellow sojourner with whom to walk through the world; not a random night of orgasms with a guy in tight jeans.I've been in love a few times in my life and though most of those relationships ended badly, (I was engaged 5 times before Jeff and I got married. Swear.) I still value those encounters, as ill advised as they might have been.
Why? Because at a certain moment in time, I loved those guys and they loved me. I look at myself in the mirror and still see the reflection of the way their love changed me. Their lasting impact in my life was in the way they shaped my soul, not in their sexual acrobatics or chiseled bodies. (We all had chiseled bodies in our 20's we just didn't know it.)
I hasten to generalize, but with some men, I fear that's not always the case. Some of my guy friends look at some woman walking by and say "I'd do her!" and I say "How do you know? She might be a total moron, or hateful and bitter, or not even speak English to talk to you." They say "So?"
Hm, curious. Perhaps being the penetrator instead of the penetrated makes you a little less concerned with substance and long lasting impact? Help me out here guys. Enquiring minds want to know.
Switching gears, I’d like to add a disclaimer of sorts. I posted this last week, and then thought better of it and took it down. Why? Because being a sinner and writing about your sins when you’re at the forefront of a ministry is a tricky business. Will it shock the church to know I’ve sinned? I hope not.
Our journey of faith is characterized by both triumphs and failures. My testimony of faith contains things I am proud of, and things I am ashamed of. It contains a few things that will haunt me until Jesus comes to take me home.
But as I contemplated how honest I wanted to be in my writing, I decided to err on the side of transparency. We all pretend we’re alright when we’re not. This s my personal campaign to stop that!
I look at actions I took in the past which were far from God’s perfect plan for me, but he turned those missteps into treasures. In Romans 8:28 it says “All things work together for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” You know what ALL things means? It means ALL things.
The moments I sinned as well as the moments I behave like a saint are moments God uses to mold me into the version of me He imagined when He made me.
What treasure did I gain from all the times I’ve fallen? Compassion. Before I had any major falls, I had no compassion. I was harsh and judgmental. I have deep regrets still about a friend from high school that I terrorized when she came to confide to me she had gotten pregnant at 16. I had no mercy. I hate that old Tammy.
But after I messed up a few times? That inclination to judge vanished. My Dad used to say “We judge others by their actions, but we judge ourselves by our intentions.” He was right of course.
So calling all sinners – if you need someone to confess your greatest struggles with, I’m your girl. I will not judge you. I come with references. Some of you sinners in this reading audience have confessed some pretty messed up stuff to me and knew I'd still love you! In fact, I loved you even more so because I didn’t have to pretend to be perfect with you anymore!
Like Jesus, I’m more comfortable hanging out with the riff raff than the Pharisees.
-Tamilu
P.S. I know this is too many "She Said's" between "He Said's" but Tim did mention in our first post that women talk more, so you were warned.
I've spent the past few days asking myself why.I recently took a writing seminar about "Dangerous Writing" with the brilliant Tom Spanbauer and it touched on this sort of issue - there are things that are real and powerful that we yearn to say, but we don't for fear of what people will think, or perceived chinks in our sterling reputations. And so we write about safe things that might mildly amuse but don't move people in any discernible way.
So I asked myself, at 49 years old, exactly what reputation am I trying to protect? Obviously I've had sex, so why shouldn't I be able to talk about sexuality? My father the pastor is gone, so I can't embarrass him anymore, my darling 83 year old mother doesn't go online, and my husband is used to my shenanigans after being married to me for 21 years, so - caution to the wind.
I agree with what Tim said about what it takes for a woman to allow a man to penetrate her body. I think that's why sex is generally a different experience for a woman than for a man. Certainly there are women who have random sexual partners, but for most women I know, it's unheard of - we need a genuine connection with someone before we’re willing to open the treasure chest and give out the gold.
The pathway to our bodies leads through our hearts and minds. Capture our imagination. Ignite our soul with the flame of something real. The vulnerability most women need to open our bodies up to a man comes with trust and a passion that builds over time.
In 1978, I attended a Jesus festival and signed a purity pledge promising to remain a virgin until I got married. I kept it for awhile, but after my aforementioned accident, I was angry with God and went into a season of wild rebellion which entailed me drinking too many .25 beers at the Akron U Chuckery and...breaking my purity pledge.I thought I was teaching God a lesson for letting something bad happen to me. (Yeah, I know how lame that sounds now, but at the time it made sense.) Boy did I show Him! (And boy will I pay on judgment day if my Baptist Sunday School teacher was right.)
Back to sex. I never picked up random men and had sex with them; I'm just not built that way. My 1980's Girl's Gone Wild Meltdown aside, I've had fewer lovers in my life than you can count on one hand because I had to be in love to make love.
I've read that men are visually aroused, which explains the glut of porn in the world. But for me, looking at a photo of a naked man does nothing for me at all. I can admire his form, but it doesn't turn me on sexually.
What has always attracted me to a man is intellectual stimulation, or emotional connection. I need something that stirs my soul, ignites my imagination and penetrates my heart before a guy could ever hope to penetrate my body.
In those days of my youth, I sought a soul mate, a kindred spirit, a fellow sojourner with whom to walk through the world; not a random night of orgasms with a guy in tight jeans.I've been in love a few times in my life and though most of those relationships ended badly, (I was engaged 5 times before Jeff and I got married. Swear.) I still value those encounters, as ill advised as they might have been.
Why? Because at a certain moment in time, I loved those guys and they loved me. I look at myself in the mirror and still see the reflection of the way their love changed me. Their lasting impact in my life was in the way they shaped my soul, not in their sexual acrobatics or chiseled bodies. (We all had chiseled bodies in our 20's we just didn't know it.)
I hasten to generalize, but with some men, I fear that's not always the case. Some of my guy friends look at some woman walking by and say "I'd do her!" and I say "How do you know? She might be a total moron, or hateful and bitter, or not even speak English to talk to you." They say "So?"
Hm, curious. Perhaps being the penetrator instead of the penetrated makes you a little less concerned with substance and long lasting impact? Help me out here guys. Enquiring minds want to know.
Switching gears, I’d like to add a disclaimer of sorts. I posted this last week, and then thought better of it and took it down. Why? Because being a sinner and writing about your sins when you’re at the forefront of a ministry is a tricky business. Will it shock the church to know I’ve sinned? I hope not.
Our journey of faith is characterized by both triumphs and failures. My testimony of faith contains things I am proud of, and things I am ashamed of. It contains a few things that will haunt me until Jesus comes to take me home.
But as I contemplated how honest I wanted to be in my writing, I decided to err on the side of transparency. We all pretend we’re alright when we’re not. This s my personal campaign to stop that!
I look at actions I took in the past which were far from God’s perfect plan for me, but he turned those missteps into treasures. In Romans 8:28 it says “All things work together for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” You know what ALL things means? It means ALL things.
The moments I sinned as well as the moments I behave like a saint are moments God uses to mold me into the version of me He imagined when He made me.
What treasure did I gain from all the times I’ve fallen? Compassion. Before I had any major falls, I had no compassion. I was harsh and judgmental. I have deep regrets still about a friend from high school that I terrorized when she came to confide to me she had gotten pregnant at 16. I had no mercy. I hate that old Tammy.
But after I messed up a few times? That inclination to judge vanished. My Dad used to say “We judge others by their actions, but we judge ourselves by our intentions.” He was right of course.
So calling all sinners – if you need someone to confess your greatest struggles with, I’m your girl. I will not judge you. I come with references. Some of you sinners in this reading audience have confessed some pretty messed up stuff to me and knew I'd still love you! In fact, I loved you even more so because I didn’t have to pretend to be perfect with you anymore!
Like Jesus, I’m more comfortable hanging out with the riff raff than the Pharisees.
-Tamilu
P.S. I know this is too many "She Said's" between "He Said's" but Tim did mention in our first post that women talk more, so you were warned.
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